The United Kingdom has always had a small population of wild puppets. Originally we caught and skinned them, and stuck them on our hands whilst they were still bloody. This is why they retreated to the forests, to watch us with deep suspicion.
Over the last thousand years these tree lined areas have shrunk rapidly. Compare the woodlands in Britain with Norman times and now, and you will see how much of the puppets’ home no longer exists. This might be a considered a tragedy, however it does make puppets a lot easier to spot.
Sometimes they graze near the motorway. You can spot a flash of neon pink or cherry red fur, and the whites of their ping pong like eyes. Mostly they scamper back to the woods before you get your camera out for a photo. They don’t like cars.
If you want a better glimpse, you need to go further into the tree line. Keep an eye out for loose bits of colours string on the brambles.
Puppets still need to eat and drink. That’s why they hang out by the river, behind rotten logs that act as a stage. Crouch behind an old tree stump, and watch. The little ones won’t do you any harm. And they are one of our island’s most incredible natural species. You will soon understand why entertainers use facsimiles of them.
Do not watch for too long. Whatever happens, do not startle them. They will call for the big ones.
You might have heard of sightings of lions and panthers across the British countryside. This is of course, impossible. The puppets, the larger kind, are responsible for these reports. You will hear their breath first, almost a kazoo like buzzing. Their sky blue fur and googly eyes are not well camouflaged. They do not need to be.
On the best TV shows, there is always a larger puppet that looks out for the smaller ones. The wild is no different. This is last great predator of the United Kingdom. One that once made the wolves and bears run away.
Out here you will not learn a moral about recycling, or the importance of friends. They are far too protective for that. You will not understand how they move so quickly without appearing to have legs, or how teeth that look like felt can be so sharp.
The forest will go quiet again. Britain’s wild puppets will lap at the water, nibble on the grass. No-one hunts them for their pelts anymore.
Entertainers know to use facsimiles, and stay our of the forests.